Crossing The Pond...

I’m supposed to be sleeping right now…that was the plan. But, It is being elusive as ever tonight. Or is it morning? I got little sleep last night, which is actually a good thing. I thought forgoing sleep then would help me now. It is 4 am London time, but my body still thinks it is 8 p.m.

I am on a plane, somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean, I imagine, though I’m not really certain. I spent the first few hours of this flight attempting to sleep...but my head won’t let me rest completely. I glance out the window at blackness and it’s there I want to be. Pitch black…

The gravity of this situation is quickly descending on me.

After all, I made a rather large revelation today. (Or, I guess it’s yesterday now. This time thing is going to take some getting used to.) Something I haven’t said to anyone in quite a long time. Years, in fact. Many things led me to believe that I would end up in this place, but I have guarded those words so fiercely. I thought refraining from saying it would somehow make it untrue…like I would still be able to keep one foot out the door. An attempt at self-preservation.

See, things change when you tell someone you love them…there’s no real way around it. Either it’s well-received or you end up making an ass of yourself. I felt pretty certain of the latter in this case, but even so, I decided it would be alright. I had to take the risk, because I don’t know what designs life has on me, and if something were to prevent us from seeing each other again, I would wish that he knew without a doubt how I felt about him. I can’t expect that there will be “another time,” there are just too many variables to consider.

As good as it felt to utter those words, I am feeling naked. I have felt extraordinarily exposed of late, and I think a good deal of this feeling can be attributed to some unconscious feelings I had…like he already knew I loved him. So maybe my saying it is inconsequential; I don’t know. After all, he has said that I’m a bit transparent where my behavior and feelings toward him are concerned. Things I thought I was keeping under wraps so well were already apparent to him. Is he extremely intuitive or is my poker face severely lacking?

I wonder what these next several months will hold. I am headed to a foreign country to live, surrounded by the new and unfamiliar. And I’ve developed these feelings for a man that, for all intents and purposes, feel new and unfamiliar. How I love adventure and new experiences, and oh how I hate to leave what is comfortable. For the last two weeks, its as though my heart has been incapable of feeling much more than sadness and longing.

I am rambling…but, I truly hope that when I get off this flying ship, I will feel some awakening. I need it. And I need to take advantage of this incredible opportunity, despite all else. I need to be excited and I truly want to be. I know it’s in there, because I’ve been dreaming of this for so long.

This surreal, nebulous cloud I’ve been drifting in must dissipate.