Put Yer Hiking Shoes On

I want desperately to want to write about something other than what I've been writing about recently. But, the somber tones seem to find their way into my writing of their own accord.

I want to write about something other than my tortured emotional state, but at the same time I don't want to force anything...a journal shouldn't be about creating some facade.

The thing is, I can easily identify with and dwell on the melancholy in life...is this a good thing or bad? I recently looked back on some of the things I wrote several months ago, to ponder the general flow of my writing and the tone each entry has taken. It's interesting the way the collection flows over a time period, and I can easily recall those feelings, re-identify with them, though I'm now far removed from those experiences. It makes me glad that I found this place, that I've been keeping this journal.

It feels, in a way, like a fingerprint that slowly develops intricacy over time. This is me, and though I've been apprehensive (many times!) to write what's really going on inside this head of mine, I think I've grown in some small way as a result of putting my thoughts on paper, so to speak.

I have grown up to feel most comfortable sheltering my emotions, my soft underbelly. Its a paradox of sorts that I'm incredibly emotional and intense - I just rarely allow others to see that side of me. I want to feel more comfortable with my intensity and I don't want to fear revealing myself because I'm worried about scaring others away. It has already taken so much work, I have to make a conscious effort to expose myself, though my instincts fight fiercely to reign it all in.

I understand that this process will be painful but when I'm doubting this mission I'm on, I think about how painful life would be like were I to someday look back on things and realize that I never let anyone know me. Which is worse? The latter, I think...and so that fear is my motivation for fighting this fear I feel now. Fight fire with fire, right?

I firmly believe the way to growth is a rocky and torturous path...and my tenacity won't allow me to give up, falter though I may.