It's not that I don't like you, it's that I like myself better.

At what point in our lives are we able to cease the justification of our behavior, our desires? Is there ever a time?

And is there ever a point when we as individuals can see others for the people they are, without some sort of character ethnocentrism? I operate and live my life according to my own doctrine – does that make me selfish? Unkind? Overly introverted? Cold?

I don’t know whether I am more evolved - in the sense that I have come to understand what is most fulfilling to me and so I live accordingly - or if I’m selfish and, for whatever reason, disinterested in becoming more acquainted with the souls that inhabit this place alongside me. There has always been, and likely will always be, an extremely fine line between insanity and genius. So, in what realm of the spectrum do I fit? I’m not suggesting either of the extremes, yet, surely there is some middle ground wherein I ought to naturally lay.

Were it not for others calling attention to the “abnormality” of my behaviors and opinions, I believe I’d go on living as I do, and cultivate a fulfilling life via the means I find worthwhile. However, I am always being forced to, or feeling some need, to justify why it is I do the things I do, or more of than not, why it is that I refrain from doing the things that many others of my age, gender, generation – whatever – are doing.

A few examples: Why is it that I generally feel the act of going out and getting drunk is pointless, uninteresting? Why don’t I want to take the time to get to know people that I go to school with? Why don’t I want to spend time with the other Americans that are studying in London with me? Why do I prefer to go places by myself? Why don’t I like to commit to participating in various activities that are proposed? Or, if I do consent, why is it that I’ll only go if only a few others are involved? Why am I not fearful of traveling alone? Why would I WANT to travel by myself? Why this? Why that?

Being questioned for my seemingly off-kilter behavior is nothing new – it has happened in some form or another for many years. But since I’ve been in London the questioning has intensified. I’ve tried to take it all in stride, and to answer in the most tactful yet honest ways. But, why is it that I’m the one that’s in the wrong? Why can’t it just be accepted that some things are not for me? Why must everything become so personal? Just because I want to be by myself doesn’t mean that I don’t think the other people around me are not decent people.

But this also begs the question, Why is it that we feel some obligation to get to know people that we’re thrown in a room with? Much of our interactions in life are fleeting…why not devote more energy to things of consequence and less on maintaining some social norms?

The truth of the matter is, I think there are far more fulfilling and important things in life than going out clubbing every night, or chatting to Sally in Lit class simply because she’s sitting next to me. I am generally content in the company of myself (and my newly acquired iPod!). I’d like to believe I’m forward-thinking, that I understand how precious this time is and I want to make the best use of it. I find there is beauty in the mundane, in the little, everyday things, if we but take the time to see. My days, my explorations, this place I’m so privileged to be in – I see all of these factors merely as vehicles to better understanding myself. There will never be enough time to sort it all out, but one thing I know for certain is that an awareness of the impossibility doesn’t diminish my desire to try. Most of us know that more than half of all marriages today end in divorce, but millions of people are still signing up and thinking they’re going to be an exception…aren’t they? This is no different. Me; my life; I am no different.

So, what does all of this drivel amount to? Am I amazingly selfish? Narcissistic? Or am I someone whom is unabashed in her determination to make her own way?

I question myself and the direction I assume because attention is always called to various aspects of my existence, my personality, my character. I don’t want to feel that kind of uncertainty, and what right have others to impose such things on me?

What comfort is there for people like myself in this world? Perhaps I should not speak of the world, for I have limited cultural experience, but, of what I know, I see little room for the independent-minded and solitarily-thinking individuals. There are special adjectives - with undesirable connotations - reserved for those that stray. And I think I've heard them all.

For whatever reason, I think I am doing what’s right for me…I only wish I were not compelled to spend so much time explaining it others who fail to see it’s value.