Get me off of this conveyor belt...called life.

I would consider myself an extremely emotional being, but I often experience periods of time in which I become strangely detached, devoid of emotion. I can somehow transfer my decision-making capabilities to a less intuitive, more intellectual sphere. Simply put, sometimes I'm all heart, and other times I'm all head. Yet, with the way I've been living lately, I'm beginning to forget what it's like to be driven by my emotions, to live organically.

I've felt as though I've been in a period of "transition" for some time. There are big changes looming on the horizon, some of which I've planning for up to two years. Because of what I know is forthcoming, I have adjusted some of my priorities for the present and chosen a path whose experiences I expect to be most harmonious with those to come in the near future.

That probably makes no sense. Somehow it does in my head, but it's difficult to articulate.

At any rate, for the past 18 months I have lived in a primarily cerebral world. It's not that my heart hasn't struggled for some market share; it just hasn't been able to compete for any length of time. I know I have made some wise decisions, but I have felt (on more than a few occasions) like I've sacrificed happiness or some kind of fulfillment for the sake of being "smart." Sometimes, as ridiculous as it may seem, I just don't WANT to be smart. I'm 22 years old and most of the time I don't feel it. I feel like I should be "out there" having fun, taking risks, and making the most of my youth. Instead, I'm overwhelmingly preoccupied with being responsible.

My head has an interesting way of justifying its reasoning, too. It tells my heart, "I'm just trying to protect you, to make the big changes easier, more flawless." In the mean time, however, I am missing out on some potentially worthwhile experiences. And I can't help but wonder whether I will regret not taking better advantage of these years of my life.

How can I strike a balance? Why do I feel guilty about letting myself be happy in the now? Won't I find some way to work things out if I don't adhere strictly to "the plan?" That's what life's supposed to be about, I thought - taking what comes at you, digesting it, and planning your next move accordingly. Sure, there's a certain level of strategy involved, but how much planning is TOO much?

I read a quote recently, from Larry Flynt, in which he likened life to traveling on a conveyor belt, with the end result being death. He said it was our duty to have fun until we fell off at the end. Certainly a less-than-glamourous perspective but effective in its message, nonetheless.

All I know for now is that all this overanalyzation, strategizing, and anticipating for the future has left me feeling quite lonely on this little conveyor belt of mine.