I'm Not Bitter, I'm Cynically Hopeful.

I'm trying to determine which is worse:

A. Being interested in a man only to find out he has no interest in you, or;

B. Being interested in a man, finding out he has (some level of) interest in you, but that for whatever reason he can't date you

Hmmm...

I'm pretty sure it's B, actually.

And lucky for me, it's happened twice in the last two weeks! Fabulous. Now, before you go jumping the gun, assuming I'm trying to date two men at once, that I'm a hussy, or whatever, allow me to explain.

One guy, I hung out with here and there for several months, but nothing ever came of it, aside from a lot of confusion and retardedness on my part, but that's a whole 'nother story. A few months ago I finally set about "getting over him" (which, thankfully, I have been making strides toward) but I knew it was going to take a fair amount of time.

Enter guy two: Despite my best efforts to avoid new or further romantic involvement, I met someone that I instantly clicked with. This is a rarity in my world, so I thought, "What the hell? I’ll open myself up to the possibility." We hung out a few times, thoroughly enjoyed ourselves, and we both saw potential for more.

No need for elaborate details here, but as it happened, I ended up sitting down with both of them, just a few days apart. With Guy #1 (G1) to discuss the past, and Guy #2 (G2) to discuss the present/future.

G1, at the end of our conversation, told me I was a "great catch." This came after he repeatedly told me why he had no interest in dating me. Greaaaaat. I already knew he wasn't interested in dating, but to hear that he thinks I'm great and wonderful doesn't exactly make me feel better. It’s actually worse than knowing he thinks I’m, say, a loser.

G2, for entirely separate but equally legitimate reasons, doesn't want to date me. And guess what? He thinks I'm great and wonderful too.

So, yeah. Sweet.

I should state here that I appreciate immensely the honesty and openness with which these men communicated, and I understand their reasoning (for the most part). HOWEVER, it's the principal of the thing that I can't get over.

At any rate, I can't exactly say that I'm surprised by the end results of my encounters with these two men. Frankly, such things are the story of my romantic life. Taking into account that I've really only been a member of the dating world for about six years, I've had an abnormally large number of bizarre/FUBARed/ridiculously complicated/twisted/enter appropriate term here experiences. Perhaps I'm exhibiting some signs of false uniqueness, but I swear, the ratio of these types of experiences to years in "the bigs" is skewed. My best girlfriend, at least, is constantly baffled by the way the forces seem to collide in my world.

It's maddening, and ya know what? I am so exhausted with the way things always seem to fall short of my, nowadays, meager expectations. I rarely, RARELY, find myself interested enough in someone to consider dating them at all, let alone long term. It takes a lot to 1) really take hold of my attention, and 2) keep hold of it. So, that's why these two situations suck so much ass. These two men make up the entirety of my potential “dating pool” - so it's more of a small BOWL than a pool, but - that is to say, in the last three years or so, they are the only two that have successfully accomplished the above criteria.

Yet, wouldn’t you know it, the planets failed to align themselves in both cases.

Just a wee bit disappointing. I am twenty-freaking-two; I should be getting a ridiculous amount of ass! Not that I want that, per se, but the option should still be there! (Cut me some slack, I’m an Aquarius; I like and need to know that I have options in any and all things.)

But I digress…

I guess what I’m attempting to ascertain from all of this convoluted fucktardedness, is just where, exactly, I am going wrong. It’s not as though I’m on some kind of manhunt, actively pursuing relationships; it’s quite the opposite. In fact, I am fairly comfortable being single – I like it for a variety of reasons – but after essentially three years of singleton status, I am ready and open to change. I’ve already stated that I’m fairly choosy in the people that I get involved with. I am independent, I have my own life and goals I’m working toward, I feel confident in what I have to offer my potential partner...

Would someone please tell me, then, WHAT on God's green earth, is the motherfucking deal?!

Phew. Ok. Allow me to collect myself...

[Enter deep breathing]

What good will come of documenting all my ridiculous thoughts, I am uncertain. The conclusions I have come to have done little to quiet my mental murmurings (as this lovely little rant should be evidence of). Because I have refused to divulge all of the intricacies of my experiences to even my few good friends, their conclusions have been largely deficient also. What’s more, I’ve been blessed with one of those minds that refuse to shut off. I can, without meaning to, think the minutiae of the even the most trivial things to death…

This topic, is just one of those things. And my mind, as usual, won’t let it go.

So, alas! This "great catch" will continue to live her fishy little life, swimming in the now murky waters of her little bowl, and watching as its two other inhabitants float lifelessly to its surface.