The girl who cried nervous.

So, I have this weird tendency to cry when I'm especially nervous. I first identified this "issue" in the sixth grade when I was asked to read, in front of the entire school, an essay I had written regarding the D.A.R.E. (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) program I had recently completed. The reading took place at my D.A.R.E. "graduation", with all the other kids and sixth graders' parents in attendance.

Essentially, when I took the stage and stepped up to the mic, I immediately began tearing up. I proceeded to cry through the entire reading and I'm sure my words were barely intelligable. I was completely mortified but I hung in there, and scurried off the stage with great haste afterward.

I didn't realize at the time why that happened. Later, when I started having to give talks in front of the church congregation, I cried too, but then I thought it was because I was overcome with emotion for my religious convictions, or something. I thought it was a trait inherited from my mother, who often cries when speaking of topics she's emotionally invested in. So I blamed it on emotions and Mom. To be fair, I thought the public speaking element played at least a minor part.

But in the last several months, on four-and-half-separate occasions - sometimes one-on-one, others while in front of groups - I have broken down in similar fashion (I include a "half" occurrence because one time I was able to reign it in before full exposure). It's like it's getting worse. Two of the times, I thought it was, again, the consequence of some underlying emotional connection to what I was speaking of, but the others there was no valid reason for. It didn't occur to me until it happened again today - approximately 15 years after the first incident - that it was a result of nervousness. I was asked by one of my former professors to speak to her class about some resources I had compiled for students on international affairs, media literacy, human rights, activism, and the like. While I do have some emotional connection to what I was speaking of, I consciously talked around them. Yet, true to form, I got teary-eyed TWICE over the course of my talk. I am so embarrassed by this because I am not usually a cry-happy sort of gal, and especially not so around perfect strangers.

So, what the hell is up with this compulsion? Why is my nervousness manifest in such an embarrassing (for myself and others) sort of way?? I am truly upset about it, and I wonder what sort of effective activist and advocate of human rights I can be when I can't get through a 10 minute speech without ugly facial contortions and ready waterworks. I think this crying detracts from my message and that is what particularly irks me. I don't want to be the weird chick that showed up to class and cried for apparently no reason. I want to come with something to say, because I have lots to say. It makes me wonder if I ought to just have stayed with the journalistic ambitions 'cause I can cry all I want from behind the veil of a computer screen. Obviously the point here is that I dont "want" to cry, but you get my drift.

I am beginning to wonder if there is something I haven't dealt with from my past, and perhaps I need a little therapy to suss out what is going on here. I've got to figure out something because I'm just not willing to accept that this is how my life will be; I'm just not. I'm far too proud and have too many professional ambitions for that.